04/24: A couple we hadn't heard from "Better Call Saul," the wit and wisdom of Bob Odenkirk (Season 2, Episode 5)...

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather?

A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 200 feet of dirt?

A: Because deep down, they're really good people.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 60?

A: "Your honor...."

Q: What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

A: The tick falls off when you're dead.

02/22: One from that great author, David Gerrold, who gave us permission to post this soon after penning it:

A lawyer is not like a rooster,

Neither is known to seducer.

One clucks defiance,

and one fucks de clients,

but if there isn't the time, he'll just gooser.

(01/20) A new one that Harrise posted on line...

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?

(06/03) From Rob Potter:

Q: What's black & tan and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman.

(05/14) Here's one from George Webster:

"A Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother, to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat, and you manipulate people. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

(08/12) From BWD:
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he can put one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would he like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun... "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and come down with only four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he is completely frustrated and he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and grudgingly hands him the $500.00. The senior wordlessly pockets the $500.00 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is now going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Hey! So what goes up the hill with three legs and comes back down with just four?" The senior silently reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

(03/05) From Alex:
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Lightbulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Lightbulb) shall be removed from the current position. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: (1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder, grasp the party of the second part (Lightbulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in a counterclockwise direction, this point being nonnegotiable. (2) Upon reaching the point where the party of the second part (Lightbulb) become separated from the party of the third part (Receptacle) the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

(01/06) Also from George Webster:
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Minnesota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his John Deere tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the Country and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in rural Minnesota. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Minnesotan Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the "Minnesotan Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

(01/06) From Christina:
A Local Charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a Local Charity volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Local Charity?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the Local Charity rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken Local Charity rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated Local Charity rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea" And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"

09/05 (From an Anonymous Benefactor):
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?" "It's 50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business. Get me the course!" Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to, " the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

(08/03) From JJ:
Its so cold around here that the lawyers have their hands in their own pockets....

( 06/03) We can't thank Al Robinson enough:
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed. The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...

(06/03) From Al:
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: I suppose it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

(5/03) Our thanks to Paul Indorf for this one:
Did you hear that scientists are starting to use lawyers instead of white rats in their experiments!? It's because there are just as many of them, and you don't get attached to them!
 
(5/03) From Craig McWilliams:
Q: What do attorneys use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

(4/03) Thanks to Sylvia Friedrich for sending these in:
The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
A: Uhm...
 
Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue.

Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your honor.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Removable wing tips.

Q: Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
A: New Jersey got first choice.

(07/08) From Melissa:
In a small Texas town, Drummond's bar began construction on a new building to increase their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, 'I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not.'

(09/05) From John Grabarczyk:
Q: Where do Vampires learn to suck people dry?
A: At Law School.

(08/04) A new one from Al:
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than five minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "WHERE'S MY ROLEX?"

(06/04) From Paul:
So this ship goes down in the Atlantic, and the last surviving lifeboat in heavily shark-infested waters is taking on water--15 in a craft designed for a maximum of 12. So they draw lots, and the three who are to go over happen to be a priest, a doctor and (you guessed it!) a lawyer. The priest goes in first, and is immediately taken under; the water turns thick red. The doctor goes next, violently ripped limb from limb in what is now a 'feeding frenzy'. Next the attorney; a whole school of sharks approach, in formation, then part, sparing him. Professional courtesy!

(05/04) From Al Holtzman:
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "You do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "You protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "You serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.

(7/03) From Jen:
A tourist walks into a secluded antique shop. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so fascinating, intriguing and unique he decides to buy it. "How much for the rat?" he asks. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the store clerk, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The tourist leaves the store with the rat under his arm. But as he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats come up from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. He starts to walk faster. Every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. So, by the time he's traveled just two blocks, over a hundred rats are following behind him, and people are pointing at him from the windows shouting and hollering. He walks even faster, until he's broken into a trot... a mass of rats swarming after him from sewers, basements and abandoned cars. He sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, panics and runs for it full tilt. The rats chase after him, squealing hideously, until he reaches the water's edge. At the last moment, he grabs hold of a lamppost, hurling the bronze rat into the ocean.... then watches in amazement as the tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea and drowns. Shaken, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."